Back In Action (2011 May 30)

I took myself a little maternity leave!  Wow – two kids is substantially harder than one kid!!  I will spare you the details of the birth and all that – maybe that belongs on a blog of its own – all I will say is that I was surprised by how unprepared I was for the new addition to our family.  Dylan is nearing 10 weeks old now and I am most happy to report that life is settling into a cool new groove.


As for music and worship – the break I’ve taken has predominantly been in journalling the process.  I haven’t been out of action really.  Let’s see…  I did come off the WACA roster for the month of April, but have been strumming away at home to comfort Dylan who seems to like my playing:)  In May I got to cover for someone who was sick at the 4pm, and then this weekend…this weekend….


Worship Central HK happened again.  It has really hit it’s stride as a conference now I think.  The vibe was incredible.  I was over the moon because we had several practices as the Vine Band, and then I also got to sing with Ben Cantelon and Martin Smith.  What an honour.  What an intimidating honour! Thank God I have been in a pretty stable stable head-space since Dylan’s dramatic first 6 weeks – pretty sure I had some baby blues.  So anyway, I chose not to dwell on who I was BVing for, and simply keep my focus on doing what I love to do – singing to God with a bunch of like-minded other people.  I think it went well.  I will ask Michelle for the MP3s and stick some up!


Now, here’s comes of potentially controversial honesty: I have to say that situations like this weekend are tough in terms of who gets to sing/play – who gets picked, why they got picked, why they didn’t etc… Having been married to the decision maker for almost 10 years now I can say that I have seen/felt the problem from many angles – I will speak for myself though.


As a worshipper I have never hit my limit, I mean, if there is an opportunity to worship, I want it.  I think I could be on the team every single day of the week without getting sick of it.  I haven’t really experienced a time when my preference was to not sing.  I want every single opportunity that anyone is willing to give me.  Because of this, I have had to deal with the issue of disappointment when not picked for things – backing guests, getting to lead songs at church, singing on albums… Tom has been amazing in the midst of all this.  He has strong principles about not having favoritism – we’d both agree at times this has almost been to the extent of our marriage working against me when it comes to music.


Anyway, the hard truth has been that I haven’t been at the level of ability for those roles.  Progress is a process and while I have tried hard and have come a long way musically, I’m still no Andy Bau and can’t say I ever will be.  I will just keep plugging away and take what I can get as it comes.


The ugly face of insecurity and jealousy really does tend to make an appearance at big events – I’ve seen it in the mirror and on others.  While I can’t say I have slain the beast, I can say that God has given me a final word on the matter and I am responsible to return to it as often as needed.  Here it is:

Every good opportunity comes straight from His hands.


To human eyes it looks like Tom & Mark who select the various lineups, but I truly believe that if God wants/doesn’t want someone involved, ultimately, no plans of Tom/Mark/anyone else can mess with that.  I am not entirely sure about the theological accuracy here, but this has been what I have been going with for a few years now and it tends to help diffuse tension in me.


When I don’t get picked I have to choose to believe it is because God has other business to do with/in me.  It often takes me a while to get there.  When I do get picked I must try to be unapologetic about taking bulls by horns.  This helps me in building my target attitude of being consistent regardless of what I get/don’t get.


For whatever reason I was blessed to sing this weekend.  I loved it.  I didn’t herrang Tom (that never works anyway) or even God, I feel like it was something really special that God arranged as a treat.  I want to be the kind of person who would be equally happy to see someone else get the opportunity.


If I may be so bold as to also share some further encouragement I experienced from God – I have long had an quiet undertone of failure in my life.  As a jack of all trades I have tried my hand at so many things that I don’t feel like I’ve never actually achieved anything more substantial than a whole lot of experience.  This sense of failure and wasted time was cemented after my dance business died and I was not accepted into a Masters program at the APA.  I won’t make a long list of failures now, but I will say that God really healed a wound at Worship Central simply by reminding me that being on stage in the worship team is not purely about musical ability – my ‘expereince’ in dance and other areas of creativity afford me a level of unencumbered freedom that is visible on stage.  Nothing is wasted with God.


Okay, will stop there.  Heston’s on the telly and he’s perfecting Peking Duck!!

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