This is not only my first upload in a long time, but also the first time I have really had the chance to pick up my guitar for a quiet moment of music. I must admit how reluctant I am to post, but in keeping true to this project, I feel that there is more integrity in just doing a one-take on my iPhone and putting it up, that in practicing for hours and hours, and then going through Garage Band and trying to get it sounding a bit closer to something I am entirely happy with. Who is this for anyway? The goal isn’t to impress you, or to satisfy me. It’s just a little singing to God. “Audience of One” sort of thing.
Well then why the hell am I posting it online? I am a moron. An oxymoron.
I love that word :)
No, I am not entirely sure why I’m doing this. It is one thing in a long line of things I just feel like doing. Truth is I haven’t figured out how to redirect my URL to come here, so I don’t actually know if this thing is live or not. Whatevs… like I said, it’s not a polished idea that I am able to defend. It’s a whim, an impulse that I feel responsible for acting on.
The past five months have been incredibly hard, but I am not here to whinge. As far as musical worship goes, I have learnt something – unfortunately it’s not specifically voice or guitar related. But I think it’s important. When the going has gotten tough, and I have let my focus on God slip, and switched gears from God-dependency to Me-Me-Me, I often question whether or not I should remain on the worship team and in the band, or whether I should just throw the whole thing aside and fill my time with other things (of which there is no shortage). Then, usually just around the corner, comes some drama – some life with a good dose of strife. I get knocked down…but I get up again, a little disoriented (which is good because my previous orientation was me), and reach out my hand for God to steady me. That almost always results in prayers that I prayed from desire instead of obligation, and is followed by me reaching for my guitar.
That is how I know that it’s okay for me to play even though I am not Brooke Fraser (who I love), Alison Stephens (who I really really love) or any other highly competent guitar playing chick with pipes.
I chose this song to sing today because I am feeling particularly weak and poor.