I took myself a little maternity leave! Wow – two kids is substantially harder than one kid!! I will spare you the details of the birth and all that – maybe that belongs on a blog of its own – all I will say is that I was surprised by how unprepared I was for the new addition to our family. Dylan is nearing 10 weeks old now and I am most happy to report that life is settling into a cool new groove.
As for music and worship – the break I’ve taken has predominantly been in journalling the process. I haven’t been out of action really. Let’s see… I did come off the WACA roster for the month of April, but have been strumming away at home to comfort Dylan who seems to like my playing:) In May I got to cover for someone who was sick at the 4pm, and then this weekend…this weekend….
Worship Central HK happened again. It has really hit it’s stride as a conference now I think. The vibe was incredible. I was over the moon because we had several practices as the Vine Band, and then I also got to sing with Ben Cantelon and Martin Smith. What an honour. What an intimidating honour! Thank God I have been in a pretty stable stable head-space since Dylan’s dramatic first 6 weeks – pretty sure I had some baby blues. So anyway, I chose not to dwell on who I was BVing for, and simply keep my focus on doing what I love to do – singing to God with a bunch of like-minded other people. I think it went well. I will ask Michelle for the MP3s and stick some up!
Now, here’s comes of potentially controversial honesty: I have to say that situations like this weekend are tough in terms of who gets to sing/play – who gets picked, why they got picked, why they didn’t etc… Having been married to the decision maker for almost 10 years now I can say that I have seen/felt the problem from many angles – I will speak for myself though.
As a worshipper I have never hit my limit, I mean, if there is an opportunity to worship, I want it. I think I could be on the team every single day of the week without getting sick of it. I haven’t really experienced a time when my preference was to not sing. I want every single opportunity that anyone is willing to give me. Because of this, I have had to deal with the issue of disappointment when not picked for things – backing guests, getting to lead songs at church, singing on albums… Tom has been amazing in the midst of all this. He has strong principles about not having favoritism – we’d both agree at times this has almost been to the extent of our marriage working against me when it comes to music.
Anyway, the hard truth has been that I haven’t been at the level of ability for those roles. Progress is a process and while I have tried hard and have come a long way musically, I’m still no Andy Bau and can’t say I ever will be. I will just keep plugging away and take what I can get as it comes.
The ugly face of insecurity and jealousy really does tend to make an appearance at big events – I’ve seen it in the mirror and on others. While I can’t say I have slain the beast, I can say that God has given me a final word on the matter and I am responsible to return to it as often as needed. Here it is:
Every good opportunity comes straight from His hands.
To human eyes it looks like Tom & Mark who select the various lineups, but I truly believe that if God wants/doesn’t want someone involved, ultimately, no plans of Tom/Mark/anyone else can mess with that. I am not entirely sure about the theological accuracy here, but this has been what I have been going with for a few years now and it tends to help diffuse tension in me.
When I don’t get picked I have to choose to believe it is because God has other business to do with/in me. It often takes me a while to get there. When I do get picked I must try to be unapologetic about taking bulls by horns. This helps me in building my target attitude of being consistent regardless of what I get/don’t get.
For whatever reason I was blessed to sing this weekend. I loved it. I didn’t herrang Tom (that never works anyway) or even God, I feel like it was something really special that God arranged as a treat. I want to be the kind of person who would be equally happy to see someone else get the opportunity.
If I may be so bold as to also share some further encouragement I experienced from God – I have long had an quiet undertone of failure in my life. As a jack of all trades I have tried my hand at so many things that I don’t feel like I’ve never actually achieved anything more substantial than a whole lot of experience. This sense of failure and wasted time was cemented after my dance business died and I was not accepted into a Masters program at the APA. I won’t make a long list of failures now, but I will say that God really healed a wound at Worship Central simply by reminding me that being on stage in the worship team is not purely about musical ability – my ‘expereince’ in dance and other areas of creativity afford me a level of unencumbered freedom that is visible on stage. Nothing is wasted with God.
Okay, will stop there. Heston’s on the telly and he’s perfecting Peking Duck!!